So, I had quite a few comments and emails in response to my last post. I'm so sorry to have let so many people down. I realize that I will probably never totally stop writing. I hope you all know that. I've been writing since I was a little girl, so even if I wanted to, I don't know how not to write. I say I'm not a writer, but the truth is that even when I'm driving down the street, my mind is constantly going.
I guess the reality is that when I said I'm no longer a writer, I really mean I am consciously making an effort to write under the radar. I was a happier person before I started the querying process. So many people have reminded me that I am not alone in all this. Whether agented, not agented, published or not published, a good friend of mind reminded me that writing is a lonely thing. It's one of the most self-deprecating actions along with being demoralizing. I never used to write with publishing in the back of my mind (honestly), but once that first query letter was sent out, it seems like publishing became the main focus and not my heart. This is what led me to my last post. I don't want to obsess. I never did, but somehow, the monster took over. I don't want to be that writer anymore. I want to be who I was five years ago - naive and hopeful. Have I given up? A little. On writing...no. On publishing...a little. Primarily, I just want to find the love of writing again. I want to write and feel completely lost in the story. I want to lie in bed at night trying to fall asleep, but my mind keeps plotting. It's been a long time since the story has taken over and made me feel like I was just the automobile being driven by the idea. I don't want to watch my email all day long or endless twitter watching hoping for any kind of secret revealing the key into the publishing realm. I don't want to feel envy and jealousy every time I see a new book cover reveal or publication date. I just want to write and not feel pressure.
So was my last post a tad dramatic? Yes, but I meant every word. I want to write and be satisfied with what I do. And even if it's not "good enough", at least I know it's good.
Another good friend of mine reminded me that I was previously working on a "darker" piece and she wanted me to work on that. I haven't even read it in months. So, I sat down completely detached and read what I wrote. About 15 pages in, I was crying. I wasn't crying for me, but rather the story. I couldn't believe I wrote those chapters with such passion and feeling pouring in all of the feelings I experienced in my life into the story. It took me back to the pain in just a few words. I then emailed my friend and asked if it made her cry too, and she emailed me back with a "YES". I'm sure you're wondering what the point of my story of is, so here it is. Did the chapters need editing? Yes. More importantly, though, was it good. Yes. I'm not trying to be delusional, but if it makes people cry, there must be something there.
Anyway, I want to apologize to those I let down. I will not disappear. I'm still here, if only on the blog and occasionally on twitter. I want to be relateable. If I'm not alone, neither are you.