Friday, January 13, 2012

FL3F #2 - Regrets

I never thought the end would be like this.  I always imagined graduation being the time of my life, but instead it's sadness looming over my head like a thunderstorm.  All I've ever wanted is to be free of my family, be an adult, go to college, and so on, but now, I want to stay a kid forever. I want to go to my friends' houses and watch movies while eating ice cream and laughing.  I want to come home to a house where dinner's going to be on the table thanks to my mom and dad asks me how school was.  I want to get up early and drive to school where I will inevitably be irritated by the idiots, but still learn something.  Now it seems like it's all going to change.  It's all so different and unknown.  That scares the hell out of me.

How am I going to make the time between college classes and a job to stay friends with the people I've known my whole life? What if when I start school, I hate it and want to change majors? I mean, there's jobs for Philosophy majors right?  I don't know.  They told me I had options and it felt like it would take forever to get here, but I'm here now and it feels like it was just yesterday.

I sat and listened to the guest speaker at graduation only listening to about one third of the speech.  Someone commented later that it was profound and life changing.  Why didn't I listen?  What was I doing instead...texting?  LAME!  Why didn't I grab hold of that moment and embrace a ceremony I never get to be a part of again? Oh God, I'm already regretting everything.

I want to go back four years. I want to be a freshman entering the building scared to death in awe of the seniors towering over me.  I want to go to Homecoming all four years instead of choosing that stupid party instead.  What was so great about that party anyway? Oh yea, there were supposed to be college guys there. LAME!

I want to participate in spirit week every year twice a year instead of making fun of the kids who dressed up.  They did look like they were having fun. Shit, what was I thinking?

Please let me go back.  Please let me stay a kid.  Oh yea, I can't turn back time.  That's it! In college I'm doing everything. I'm gonna do everything people say is stupid and have fun with it.  I'm not going to do drugs or get drunk, I'm just gonna have fun.  What a stupid waste! I should've listened to Mom and Dad when they said I would regret everything if I followed the wrong crowd. 

Well that ends now.  I'm done with it all.  I'm moving forward and never talking to them again. I'm going to be a better person. It's time....right after I finish this joint.

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