I haven't blogged about anything substantial in a while, but today has inspired me. As a writer, self-doubt rears its ugly head from time to time. It's easy to take a no and turn it into I'm a bad writer. It's easy to want to give up and not try for more. It's easy to want to walk away. I feel that now, but it's not in my nature to give up. Sometimes, I feel like I'm meant to be a reader and not a writer. I love reading stories. I love reading books about people in their mundane or even extraordinary lives. It gives me a release from my life and an escape from parenting, endless grading, and even my own issues. Reading is amazing. It can also be inspiring. It inspires me to be a better person and to be compassionate about others. I cry when the characters cry and laugh when they say something funny. It makes me feel...human.
Today I received bad news with little to no feedback. That kills me inside and self-doubt comes back. I want so badly for my personal dreams to come true, but being published cannot be a goal. It can't be a goal because I have zero control of the outcome unless I take it into my own hands and publish myself. I'm not saying I am going that route, but in reality that is the only way I can ensure it happens. My only choice is patience. But the question for any writer is how much patience can one have before throwing in the proverbial towel? I don't know the answer to that. It's different for everyone.
So what am I? A reader or a writer? Can I be both or is one outweighing the other? Reading is safe, while writing takes a chance. So for now, I don't know. I am in a perpetual holding pattern constantly using my inner filter keeping me from saying things I will regret later, but the problem is my filter is keeping me from writing as well. So again, I just don't know. In the meantime, I will continue being patient, but I'm not sure how much longer than can take place. I may have to take my dreams and make them goals.