Saturday, December 17, 2011

Pretending

Perhaps it's the time of year that makes me reflect on my life, but tonight I'm more pensive than normal.  I just finished watching Something Borrowed and realize that I am Rachel.  I am not the Alpha in any of my friendships.  All through life, I have been the friend just wanting to make my friends happy.  In college, I had a roommate who dominated everything.  She was the lease holder on our apartment, while I was just a visitor for a year.  When she wanted entertaining, I was there to fill the gaping hole for her. Whenever I tried to assert myself, she fought back making me feel as though I had done something wrong.  Then I moved.  My next roommate did the same.  Then I met my husband who treated me as an equal in the relationship.  I loved and still love him wholeheartedly.  We still play equal roles in the relationship.  But when it comes to friendships, not much has changed.  My current "best friend" is a great person, but I still get the impression that I'm not equal and I am guilty for allowing it to be this way. I pretend to be Alpha - in my classroom and as a writer, but never with my friends.  I pretend to be dominant, when really I sit back and let life happen around me.  Querying is much the same, but that is because we can't be aggressive as writers when it comes to someone else evaluating our work.  We must sit back and wait.  I gain control in my life through writing, though imagine every character I write is a little bit of me.  The same insecurities.  The same passive nature.  The same everything.  The difference is that I can write them changing their ways.  I can make them brave. I can make them assert themselves and the outcome is good.  Why is it that I can write it, but I can't say it? I don't know the answer to that question.  What I do know is that writing is empowering.  It allows me to be someone I'm not.  It allows me to behave aggressively when in reality I sit quietly waiting for a reaction.  I honestly think (no I know) that I am not the only person like this.  I've yet to meet an author who is overly confident with no insecurities. Is that what brings us together as a community?  Do we then pretend we fit into different roles within that community when the reality is that we share a common role?  Yesterday I read an article about why writers SHOULD self-publish.  I've read a lot of these articles and months ago, I believed in what I read.  But the reality is that most of the articles reflect someone who is trying so hard to receive approval for that decision.  I know I was three clicks away from self-publishing, but something in the back of mind stopped me telling me that that's not the approval I was/am looking for. I want someone to say "this is good".  Ok I know this is bearing a bit of my soul, but it's the truth.  And I would much rather read what someone has written from the heart than what they think someone wants to hear.  Anyway, as I said before, this may be more reflective because of the season.  I'm sure it is and tomorrow I will want to take this post down, but for today I speak the truth.  I write to connect and make other people know that we are not alone.  To be human means to have feelings.  I am more than a little human at this given point in time. And now, I stop writing this post and go back to my Christmas wish.  Santa, I want to be published.  Please send me an agent/editor who will appreciate me and my writing for what it is - honest.

3 comments:

  1. Jamie, the one thing that I've discovered on Twitter is that EVERYONE and by EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE is a writer, or at least they say they are. Most of them are so "In Your Face" and pushy. I'm so glad that you are not like that. You are a smart girl and, you will decide which route to take with your book. I know you will make the right decision.

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  2. Do not take this post down! I really like it. =) I am a writer and I am the exact same way. I can relate to all that you are saying. Unfortunately, though, I've been pushed around by boyfriends, too, but my current one is very sweet and treats me as an equal and I hope to be with him for a long time.

    Anyway, I've never been the type of girl who felt sexy. I used to have friends who would date all the guys I liked (after I told them I had a crush on them) because they were so flirtatious and attractive that they could get anyone, while I was the wallflower. I am still very much the same way and one of my escapes is writing about and imagining what it would be like to be a beautiful woman who felt confident in her own skin. It honestly stirs emotions up inside me because although I am happy in my relationship, I wish I could feel good about myself like that.

    I am a very insecure and very shy writer. Whenever I'm struggling with my social life, I immediately wish to escape the situation and begin writing, so I can completely relate.

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  3. I am neither an editor or an agent, just another writer hanging onto the dream. But I can tell you wholeheartedly that I appreciate your writing. Here is to all your wishes coming true this Christmas

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