Saturday, April 30, 2011

Zen in Writing and Querying

I think I have finally reached that moment of zen in the writing process.  When I first starting querying, I watched my email waiting for something to happen.  I stared at my computer and my phone waiting to hear news - good or bad (hoping for good).  I frantically sent off queries convinced that it would only be a matter of days until some agent would call and sweep me off my feet.  Then I got down.  I stared at the computer waiting for rejections.  I questioned my ability and begged for validation.  I got angry when rejection came in and it started all over.  I can remember when I got my first request for a full on Keridwen and literally made myself sick.  My husband took us away for the weekend attempting to snap me out of it, but I worried and waited and worried and waited wanting, hoping, praying for good news.  Then I got the rejection and felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.  I wanted to throw up, cry, scream, give up, all at the same time, but something pulled me through - my husband once again.  I thought working on another book would bring me out of it, and it did...for a while.  Then I frantically started worrying about querying Love and Texts.  Admittedly, I am taking this one slower than Keridwen, but it still had me waking up at night with pangs of need to find an agent.  Even now as I write this, I know I have a partial out for Keridwen and a full out for Love and Texts, but for whatever reason, I'm not worrying about it anymore.  I go through the motions of submitting queries, still hoping to find and agent, but the obsessive behavior is passing.  I'm either growing numb to it all or something else that I can't describe.  I'm not giving up because I'm still querying, but rather I am finding comfort in knowing if it's meant to be it's meant to be.

Last weekend, my foot was attacked by small insects in my yard (they weren't ants), and I was forced to go to the ER for a reaction.  Though my foot stopped itching and swelling thanks to the meds, I suffered from four to five headaches a day for most of the week.  Yesterday was my first day without one.  While I curled up on my bed in writhing pain, I though oh my God, I'm not going to be able to write anymore.  I can't focus long enough to think of a story let alone a story line.  The pain had taken over.  Now that I am without the pain, I am enjoying being able to play with my children, watch a movie, read a book, and I'm grateful.  I know it sounds like I had a near death experience, and I know I wasn't near death, but the idea of headaches for the rest of my life was nothing to joke about.  It was horrible, which leads me to today.  Today, I went to the movies with a friend, cleaned house, cuddled with my kids and chatted with my husband.  I've checked my email and even QT, but the obsession has passed.  I know because when I saw that my Gmail had a message, my stomach didn't turn.  I simply tapped the icon on my phone, saw that it was from Netflix and went on with my day. 

I hope that anyone reading this can relate to the complete takeover of writing and querying.  I also hope that they can relax as I have at this moment.  I do suspect that there will be some obsession again, but I do vow to never again let it take over my life.  I will keep writing.  I will keep querying agents.  I will keep hoping and praying for publication, but I will not let it destroy me and I will not let it control me.  That is my promise to myself and my family.

Have a great weekend to any of you reading and I hope it is relaxing as mine will be.
J

2 comments:

  1. Glad to know you're okay and not near death. And I don't blame you for worrying about headaches everyday for the rest of your life, they more than suck! And congrats on the zen time...enjoy it!

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