I think I have finally reached that moment of zen in the writing process. When I first starting querying, I watched my email waiting for something to happen. I stared at my computer and my phone waiting to hear news - good or bad (hoping for good). I frantically sent off queries convinced that it would only be a matter of days until some agent would call and sweep me off my feet. Then I got down. I stared at the computer waiting for rejections. I questioned my ability and begged for validation. I got angry when rejection came in and it started all over. I can remember when I got my first request for a full on Keridwen and literally made myself sick. My husband took us away for the weekend attempting to snap me out of it, but I worried and waited and worried and waited wanting, hoping, praying for good news. Then I got the rejection and felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I wanted to throw up, cry, scream, give up, all at the same time, but something pulled me through - my husband once again. I thought working on another book would bring me out of it, and it did...for a while. Then I frantically started worrying about querying Love and Texts. Admittedly, I am taking this one slower than Keridwen, but it still had me waking up at night with pangs of need to find an agent. Even now as I write this, I know I have a partial out for Keridwen and a full out for Love and Texts, but for whatever reason, I'm not worrying about it anymore. I go through the motions of submitting queries, still hoping to find and agent, but the obsessive behavior is passing. I'm either growing numb to it all or something else that I can't describe. I'm not giving up because I'm still querying, but rather I am finding comfort in knowing if it's meant to be it's meant to be.
Last weekend, my foot was attacked by small insects in my yard (they weren't ants), and I was forced to go to the ER for a reaction. Though my foot stopped itching and swelling thanks to the meds, I suffered from four to five headaches a day for most of the week. Yesterday was my first day without one. While I curled up on my bed in writhing pain, I though oh my God, I'm not going to be able to write anymore. I can't focus long enough to think of a story let alone a story line. The pain had taken over. Now that I am without the pain, I am enjoying being able to play with my children, watch a movie, read a book, and I'm grateful. I know it sounds like I had a near death experience, and I know I wasn't near death, but the idea of headaches for the rest of my life was nothing to joke about. It was horrible, which leads me to today. Today, I went to the movies with a friend, cleaned house, cuddled with my kids and chatted with my husband. I've checked my email and even QT, but the obsession has passed. I know because when I saw that my Gmail had a message, my stomach didn't turn. I simply tapped the icon on my phone, saw that it was from Netflix and went on with my day.
I hope that anyone reading this can relate to the complete takeover of writing and querying. I also hope that they can relax as I have at this moment. I do suspect that there will be some obsession again, but I do vow to never again let it take over my life. I will keep writing. I will keep querying agents. I will keep hoping and praying for publication, but I will not let it destroy me and I will not let it control me. That is my promise to myself and my family.
Have a great weekend to any of you reading and I hope it is relaxing as mine will be.